I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have post one night stand depression
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
