So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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