the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
