her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
