I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
