I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I need to align my fucking chakras
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
