The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i came on her dog
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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