I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
