i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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