i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
