non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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