like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
