1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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