God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
