OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I love you. Go after that dick
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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