so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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