Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
