Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
