I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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