yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
