she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
