she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
