I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
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I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
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In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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