Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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