I'm laying in your front yard are you home
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
