I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
