Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
A bitchslap is in order.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
