Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize