I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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