He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
