i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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