Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize