Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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