I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
