Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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