It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
