If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
