Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
