I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
