Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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