I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
