I want to walk on stilts...naked
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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