I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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