dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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