Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
