scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
