bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
