Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
