Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
