The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
