life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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