being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
