I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
