it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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